Thursday, December 5, 2013

10 months in...yikes

Sigh..
How can I make this post encouraging and up beat? I don't know if I can...
My skin has taken quite a turn for the worst. Truthfully I haven't thought much about it.
Everytime it bothers me I just do something else.  Usually I stay indoors, my home is nice and dimly lit... So really it isn't until I leave the house that I see how bad my skin has really gotten.
I  am sure behind the smile and what tries to be an upbeat personality people can still see a girl with messed up skin. Thankfully those who I meet aren't so shallow and are able to love me inspite.
It is the strangers that give me anxiety. Though most don't notice... Because I wear turtle necks, makeup and keep my hands in my pockets.  What a way to live?
Really the only people that see me for who I really am, is my family and you! I guess a part of me much prefers to hide and just pretend I am ok.  You know the saying 'fake it till you make it'.  I am repressing my emotions and even dealing with my skin...because quite frankly I can't do it anymore.
I really didnt want to write this post...but I suppose someone else can benefit.  You are not alone.  I wonder will this ever be over?  I can only hope. The progress is so slow I have confused getting better with getting worse.  Darn photographs!  Thought today was an ok day.
I am not sure what is worse in tsw...the fact I am in so much physical pain...or so much internal pain?? Even on my best skin days... I have been traumatized. In a way no one really understands?  When was the last time the average person can say tepid water burns their skin every time they shower?
I really should be used to this?? And some days I am.  I know that my upper lip will heal next week only to rip open again. I know that my lotion will burn for 6 minutes once I apply it.  How do you get used to burning? Stinging? Bleeding? You just don't.
I have gotten used to the 'look'.  And I attempt to still fix myself up.  This can go one of two ways...a big score because I feel pretty for a couple hours...or a big fail because I just can't pull it off.  My eye is too swollen. My for head too wrinkled. My neck too stiff. It's a gamble.
My favorite place to be is in my bed in deep sleep!! Time stops for a couple hours. I no longer have topical steroid withdrawal...even in a nightmare... I never have bad skin!!
I never imagined this to take this long. I cling to the hope things will improve by summer. Probably not a healthy idea...but if I have no hope...then what??
Hope is what gets me through. It's what gets all my fellow sufferers through. We will see what summer brings :)
I started taking some vitamins. Just a multi vitamin and a hair nail and skin supp. I have began to eat very healthy again. Not for my skin...but for me.  I need energy. We will see after a month how I feel mentally!
Writing this post has been hard. Just brought to the forefront of my mind how 'bad' I really am doing, but trying to keep the victory for my kids and husband! 
Must suck to have a mom with these sort of issues:(
Ok enough sob story...though this may suck.
..someone in the world would rather my little skin issues than their's!  Sometimes we need a little perspective!!  I encourage you all keep loving your family. Don't get so caught up in your withdrawal that when you come out you are a stranger to those you love!
Merry Christmas Friends
Vee







This was me earlier today...just to show you guys sometimes you have to just suck it  up and make yourself laugh!! LOL