Thursday, December 5, 2013

10 months in...yikes

How can I make this post encouraging and up beat? I don't know if I can...
My skin has taken quite a turn for the worst. Truthfully I haven't thought much about it.
Everytime it bothers me I just do something else.  Usually I stay indoors, my home is nice and dimly lit... So really it isn't until I leave the house that I see how bad my skin has really gotten.
I  am sure behind the smile and what tries to be an upbeat personality people can still see a girl with messed up skin. Thankfully those who I meet aren't so shallow and are able to love me inspite.
It is the strangers that give me anxiety. Though most don't notice... Because I wear turtle necks, makeup and keep my hands in my pockets.  What a way to live?
Really the only people that see me for who I really am, is my family and you! I guess a part of me much prefers to hide and just pretend I am ok.  You know the saying 'fake it till you make it'.  I am repressing my emotions and even dealing with my skin...because quite frankly I can't do it anymore.
I really didnt want to write this post...but I suppose someone else can benefit.  You are not alone.  I wonder will this ever be over?  I can only hope. The progress is so slow I have confused getting better with getting worse.  Darn photographs!  Thought today was an ok day.
I am not sure what is worse in tsw...the fact I am in so much physical pain...or so much internal pain?? Even on my best skin days... I have been traumatized. In a way no one really understands?  When was the last time the average person can say tepid water burns their skin every time they shower?
I really should be used to this?? And some days I am.  I know that my upper lip will heal next week only to rip open again. I know that my lotion will burn for 6 minutes once I apply it.  How do you get used to burning? Stinging? Bleeding? You just don't.
I have gotten used to the 'look'.  And I attempt to still fix myself up.  This can go one of two ways...a big score because I feel pretty for a couple hours...or a big fail because I just can't pull it off.  My eye is too swollen. My for head too wrinkled. My neck too stiff. It's a gamble.
My favorite place to be is in my bed in deep sleep!! Time stops for a couple hours. I no longer have topical steroid withdrawal...even in a nightmare... I never have bad skin!!
I never imagined this to take this long. I cling to the hope things will improve by summer. Probably not a healthy idea...but if I have no hope...then what??
Hope is what gets me through. It's what gets all my fellow sufferers through. We will see what summer brings :)
I started taking some vitamins. Just a multi vitamin and a hair nail and skin supp. I have began to eat very healthy again. Not for my skin...but for me.  I need energy. We will see after a month how I feel mentally!
Writing this post has been hard. Just brought to the forefront of my mind how 'bad' I really am doing, but trying to keep the victory for my kids and husband! 
Must suck to have a mom with these sort of issues:(
Ok enough sob story...though this may suck.
..someone in the world would rather my little skin issues than their's!  Sometimes we need a little perspective!!  I encourage you all keep loving your family. Don't get so caught up in your withdrawal that when you come out you are a stranger to those you love!
Merry Christmas Friends

This was me earlier today...just to show you guys sometimes you have to just suck it  up and make yourself laugh!! LOL